Letting Go

Sometimes we don’t realize how hard we’re clinging and holding on to a piece of our past until we start to feel the frustrating tug of our past, trying to get free. Then we think, “Why is this so hard?! Why is this happening?”

The truth is, we don’t want to let go. Good or bad, sometimes we let the past become a huge part of our present lives that deep down, we fear that in letting our past go, we will be letting go of a piece of ourselves; a piece so big, we’re not sure if we can survive it. It’s not just memories and things I’m talking about but our past in the form of people.

Realizing that my mother was a lost cause struck me hard. Yes, she’s mean, abusive, thoughtless and selfish. I guess all that repetitive “she’s still your mother” stuck to me and despite knowing with all my heart and soul that I was better off without her, well, it made me a bit lost. Despite all the painful memories and the fearful moments, she was there when I was growing up and much of who I am today is because of her, the good and the horrible.

I have sisters who have the knack of making me feel all better after my mum has performed one of her typical episodes but the next moment, they say something that just totally messes with my brain and ruins the days to come. But they’re my siblings, right? Friends come and go as do lovers but you aint gonna get any more siblings (well, if parents in question totally stop producing any). They say blood is thicker than water. My response is: and honey is thicker than blood, point being?

Then there are the friends. Differences, time and space slowly eroded bonds of friendships though I credit many abandoned friendships to stupid mistakes and beliefs, both mine and theirs. But these are the people I grew up with. These are the people who know why it bothers me when I see my mum’s number flash on my phone. These are the people who know why a mean remark from my family can hurt me so deep. They know from the sound of my voice, a look on my face, or a stray thought if something was wrong. They play Monopoly Deal with me for hours because I don’t want to- because I can’t talk about it but when we’re all done pretending everything is okay, they just hold me close and tell me it’s gonna be okay.

Being friends with my ex may be great because we totally understand each other and we’ve been friends forever but the fact remains that our partners will always feel uncomfortable with our friendship regardless. He’s funny, mean, and brutally honest and he totally gets it when I message him telling him about the latest shit in my life to hit the fan.

But when comes the day when you realize that you can or you have to let go of them. You hear this resounding voice throughout your whole being: “I just can’t”. Your mind starts making a million and one excuses of why you just can’t despite the fact that you should. You make yourself bear through family events that make you sit in your car or room after and just question why you were ever born. You work so hard to keep friendships alive even though you know that it’s hopeless. Why?

We can’t keep holding on to people just because they represent a huge piece of our past. All the excuses we make are just that: excuses. It is fear that holds us back. It is the fear of being alone, fear of being left by the new people in our lives, fear of never meeting people who get it.

If we keep making space in our lives for our past, how will we have space for the future? If we’re afraid to shatter the fragile past, how can we build the courage to charge forwards and onwards?

Life is a journey. Let’s not keep reminiscing about the moments in the past when there can be so much to look forward to.